Paul speaks to America
July 30th, 2004 | Published in Religion
Intro to the Letter
I have the utmost respect for the Apostle Paul. In fact, he is one of my favorites in all of church history. But what if the Apostle Paul was alive today and thought like most American Christians with bad theology? Maybe he would have written an epistle that sounds something like this.
(Advisory: This is purely satirical. Those who are offended by such things please do not even read.)
The Letter
Dear Brothers (and Sisters),
Blessings my dear friends and saints in our Lord Jesus Christ, who died and rose from the grave to make it possible for us to have our guilt removed if we would simply ask Jesus into our hearts.
I have heard, brothers and sisters (whether from IM or forwarded email, I remember not), about your trials and tribulations in our Lord. How unfortunate! I never expected something like that ever to happen in a wonderful Christian nation such as America. It is founded on religion! But fear not, brothers and sisters, for I know your strength. I know your time for political influence is near. Gather, brethren! Storm the gates of hell with your amendments! Seek to establish the ten commandments again in all the schools! We can do it through Christ, my friends!
If we can just help people see that they have to keep the law, then the whole world would be a better place. Think of how America can go back to its roots! We have always been a God-fearing nation, and if we can simply keep prayer in public schools then we shall undoubtedly usher in the reign of Christ in all it’s glory, Amen.
You know, friends, that we are to be nice to all and tolerant. Curse those who give us an intolerant name! Those donatistic one-way-only bigots have their doom coming. Reconcile everyone in Christ. You know that as long as you do good, you can go to heaven. Yet remember that our God is not a mean, cruel, sadistic monarch, for he will simply annihilate those who not achieve bliss. We know this plainly from the Scriptures and from reason.
Some of those in the congregation may not like to hear this. Most likely they are the same ones who believe in those destructive fatalistic doctrines and want to institute elder rule in the churches. Cast them away, friends! Listen not to those who are far from the Way. We know their end leads to death, and our Way to life! Make sure you are not hospitable to those who hold these views, lest their lies creep more into our strongholds.
I have also heard something that disturbs me about you. Certain men have crept into your churches, who heed not our doctrines of freedom in Christ. You know whom I speak of. These people claim to be setting themselves apart from the world, but we know that they are hypocrites. They are no better than us, those who know that God forgives all sins and that we will not be perfect until the trumpet sounds. God gave us leisure and relaxation because he cares about us, and we should enjoy it as much as we possibly can. These hypocrites tell you to be different from the world, but I tell you that how can things opposed relate to one another? We must be like the culture to witness to it. We must be all things to all people.
Because of that, know that it is not wrong to indulge a little in the world’s pleasures. I myself enjoy the benefits of my freedom in Christ, and none can take them away. Watch exciting movies, drink good beer, curse when inspired to, and of course enjoy Nascar to its fullest! This is undoubtedly what Jesus would have said to you if he were not with the Father in glory.
As for those who disregard my authority as it is nothing, let them be ashamed. Am I not an apostle? Did I not see visions of Christ? Was I not speaking in strange tongues? Did I not heal more cancer than the other evangelists on TV? Let those who accuse me be anathema, amen.
Please give my blessings to all the believers in NYC. I will be coming soon, unless the Lord prevents me through a surprise American Idol.
God bless the USA,
Paul