A Small Case Against Online Dating
July 17th, 2005 | Published in Culture, Technology, Essays | 20 Comments
Introduction
Love. It is one of the most complicated, yet most desired virtues—it is what every human heart longs for. Is that not why the most devastating thing a parent could say to his child is “I do not love you”? Or a spouse telling the other “I hate you”? It is also why the love of God is one of the most amazingly precious truths—it is answer to our dominant longing. Without love, life seems meaningless.
Love is usually associated with the marital relationship between a man and woman. Historically, the common way to peruse marriage has been courtship and betrothal. Around the time automobiles were mass-produced dating began to replace courtship. New freedom was given to teenagers—namely, four motorized wheels and a backseat. Before the automobile, spending time with your lover without your family was rare. Nowadays, it is rare to spend time with your lover together with family. Because of this, a wave of unprecedented sexual freedom (that is actually bondage) has swept in that has not been seen since pagan times.
The Internet appeared around a century after the automobile. We (or at least some of us) are currently watching how the Internet is shaping culture. No technology is neutral, and all technologies affect culture for the better and for the worse. We are constantly reminded what benefits modern technology bring; yet we ponder little what it will destroy.
With the dawning of the Internet came immense globalization. Instantly you could chat with someone in Hong Kong for the same price as someone next door. The potential advantages for communication and growth seemed endless.
It was only a matter of time before “personal ads” would move to the Internet. Since it is by nature a more interactive and global medium than newspapers, it was destined to be popular. Perhaps there isn’t anyone compatible with you in your city, but maybe there is in another state or country. Or at least that is how the thinking goes.
When I looked for articles assessing the negatives of online dating, I found very little. In fact, I found only one article, and it was hardly what one could consider negative. Now, I am sure there are articles available somewhere, but the point is that I could not find them easily and that means neither could someone wanting reasons why online dating could be personally and socially dangerous. Therefore, I have decided to make my own small case against the current practice of online dating.
Online dating seems like the perfect solution to humanity’s love problems. A popular idea is that people can’t get along because they don’t have enough in common or do not “match” up. We supposedly know this because couples lose interest in one another, or as many put it, “fall out of love.” The solution, then, make sure you are compatible before you begin dating. Surely that will make the relationship more “lovely.”
So online dating services take a survey of the applicant’s likes and dislikes, what color hair and eyes they have, what kind of music they listen to, etc. ad nausem and then shows them a list of matches.
The Perceived Benefits
From what I can gather, there are three main perceived benefits of online dating.
- You can find the person that you have dreamed about, since you can find out everything about them before you even decide to email them.
- Location is not an issue anymore. You used to be limited to the few people in your city, now you only limited by those with an Internet connection.
- You can get to know someone without the commitment of actually getting together.
The Problems
Anyone can see how the perceived advantages could be tempting. Who doesn’t want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right? However, I believe there are far more problems with online dating then there are advantages.
- Unparalleled Frankness. When you read all these self-revealed facts about someone you don’t know, you can “hit it right off” because you already know a wealth of information about them. Yet that information also creates a pseudo-intimacy that leads to unhealthy and premature frankness. Add to this the removal of personal intimacy through the medium of text and you have one bold man and woman. They will say things to each other that people in a real relationship could not say for months, if not years. You know what I mean if you have been involved (or know someone) involved in an “Internet-based” relationship.
- Extreme Dishonesty. It is estimated that 1/5 of online daters are married men. You never know who you are really talking to—even what gender or “sexual orientation” they are—until you meet them and see them for who they really are. And by that time, it may be too late.
- Knowing only a façade. Even if a person is being more honest than dishonest, they usually put their best foot forward when talking about themselves. But online you can be an entirely different person. People create multiple online personas. It is the ultimate place of being whoever you want to be.
- Turns love into shopping. It is one thing to shop around for the best price on a car, but it is a whole other thing to shop around for a date by pre-defined answers. “Hmm, let’s see, I’d like a girl with brown hair, blue eyes, 5’9’, 120lbs, smart, and funny.” (Of course, thousands of matches would probably come up, since people seem to find ways of exaggerating these qualities.)
- Let’s men be wimps. Let’s be honest here. It takes “guts” to ask a girl out on a date. Let’s continue to be honest. It takes none to email some girl you’ve never met. If there is an easy way out, most wimps will take it. Consider the middle school way of asking someone out: “Uh, hi my name is Scott and my friend Johnny over there—yeah, the one with buck teeth and pimples—he wanted me to ask you if—hey, come back!” Real men don’t hide behind friends or email.
- Profiles based on what the person thinks of themselves, not what you think of them. Even if a person is being more honest than dishonest, they usually put their best foot forward when talking about themselves. But online you can be an entirely different person. People create multiple online personas. It is the ultimate place of being whoever you want to be.
When you look at someone’s “profile” or “autobiography,” you are basing your “match” on what that person thinks of himself. So, even though one girl might say “I am a vivacious, intelligent, warm-hearted, attractive, cool chick, with a sharp, witty, and effervescent personality” you might say “She’s an airhead” after watching her with her friends for 30 seconds. But you won’t know that until you finally decide to meet up somewhere, which could be weeks to years down the road. - Removes support and accountability of family and friends. Good relationships thrive best when nourished with support and accountability from friends and family. Friends an2d family want what is best for you and can often see when something isn’t working out long before you can. It is nearly impossible to have any accountability on the Internet—which is, of course, one reason why people love it.
Based on the above reasons, I cannot in good conscience recommend online dating to anyone. Are there exceptions? Yes! Marvelous exceptions where God has used online dating to bring people together who genuinely love one another. But let us not look for truth in exceptions. Let us look for truth through the normative experience of healthy relationships from the past and at the present.
Update 2/1/07: Scientific American has an article on “The Truth about Online Dating.”
September 11th, 2005 at 2:22 pm (#)
I really enjoyed your article. I agree with you, unless the internet dating is not the means of finding love, but distraction and temporary relief of distress associated with broken heartedness, boredom, loneliness, insecurity, hide a way from lack of skills necessary to build a relationship. I say you and I create a online love training institute that will help people rid of their heart breaks, lonelinnes, inadequacy, and population of internet daters may drop. I think that people today, are really confused about dating, females have different expectations then males do, both are disapointed, don’t know how to go about it without falling into traditional schemes that are challenged by the feminism, but so secretely craved by the very same women.
I say that internet dating can only work for people who are honest about themselves, self-perceptive, don’t expect more than they can get, and take long to get to know each other once they finally meet up in a real life.
September 17th, 2005 at 3:32 pm (#)
Where can I find actual cases where online dating has turned out bad? I’m doing reserach for an article. Do you know any people I can interview?
March 19th, 2006 at 10:35 pm (#)
i really liked your article. im doing an essay about how online dating negatively affects relationships and society, so i appreciate you help!
October 24th, 2006 at 2:37 pm (#)
finally!
October 25th, 2006 at 10:06 pm (#)
I am Freshman in collage and i found your artical to be helpful in my essay against online dating. I must say your article is like finding a neddl in a hay stack.
November 9th, 2006 at 7:33 pm (#)
You make some very good points. I am looking to marry a Christian. The chances of meeting a girl at church are slim. This is why I thought I would try online dating. Should I peruse churches looking for a woman? or perhaps go back to meeting chicks at a bar?
November 9th, 2006 at 7:47 pm (#)
Paul,
> The chances of meeting a girl at church are slim.
I know plenty of friends who would disagree, since they’ve met their wives at church or church-connected functions (youth group, volunteering, singles ministry, etc.)
> Should I peruse churches looking for a woman?
That doesn’t strike me as a good primary reason to attend church, but it’s not a bad secondary reason, I suppose.
You don’t just meet Christian girls at church. You meet them by friends-of-friends (or family), places you go, people you sit next to, etc.
My suggestion is to get involved in local activities where you can meet people and see what they are like in real life. I mean, do you really want to marry a girl so desperate she has to put her photo and data online?
My experience (and others I know) is that you usually find what you are looking for (1) when you stop looking and (2) when you least expect it. Going to bars to meet chicks might help you get laid that night, but will probably not lead to a healthy, lasting, God-honoring relationship (although there are always exceptions).
Thanks for reading,
Josh
November 26th, 2006 at 10:38 pm (#)
im doing a research paper on what Technology has done to this world today…..except thats 2 broad of a subject…now its on against online dating….this article was very hard to find…THANX
December 20th, 2006 at 1:07 am (#)
Thank you. I enjoyed your article, especially the “Good relationships thrive best when nourished with support and accountability from friends and family. ”
I met someone online and was dated him for almost 4 months. We hit it off really well and we became pretty serious for the next few weeks following our first date. However, there were many issues that hindered the realtionship, such as:
1. No support and accountability from his family and friends (I don’t think he had any friends to tell you the truth. He met 1 of my friends and knew of my other friends. He knew of my family and he knew how close I was to my friends and family)
2. Honesty and trust. He never picked up his phone while I was with him. He never invited me to his house. I never knew his home telephone number. He tells me that he lives alone and that he loves me and cares for me and no one else. How can I trust him?
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:18 pm (#)
I found this article when I was trying to find a survey on what women think about guys that hit on them online versus in real life. In my opinion meeting women on the internet is a waste of time. Also every women I know that has an internet profile gets 100 emails a day. Why would any guy want to send out tons of emails in hopes that out of the couple hundred some random girl gets they pick his to email back, and then try to set up a date, why? Just walk outside anywhere in any city theres women to talk to. Unless your a blob of goo most women will be interested in having a conversation with you. Which brings me to my main question.
What do women think of guys that hit on them online compared to the guys that did it in real life?
February 9th, 2007 at 8:12 pm (#)
I enjoyed reading your article. The subject matter is something I am personally familiar with - positively and negatively speaking. I believe I can shed some light on this subject for everyone.
I discovered my ex-spouse was dating online and even went so far as manipulating the unsuspecting females into trapping me into threesomes! At first, I was naive and literally clueless about online dating. But when I followed a strange adult link on our PC, a whole new world opened up to me. So, I created a “profile” of a pretty young thing. I felt my spouse was being deceitful and lying to me. I wanted to know for sure. He was and now we are divorced because I could no longer trust him. I know many spouses who cheat and lie online. I know many people who’s marriages have failed for the same reason. I think that is very negative, don’t you?
There’s more though… I also met other people online. Most of whom were hurt by their spouses they found cheating online or in real life. I am serious. I tried to be nice to some of these people, and the men liked me and wanted to meet me! The women I met, were friendly but rather “air-headed” and lost. They were also wanting to fill the huge void the Internet had caused in their lives. They were wasting valuable time everyday searching for what? Love? Some of them said they were addicted and could not stop! I think this is very negative, don’t you?
I did find a group on Yahoo for people who have been heartbroken, online and in real life. I apologize for not remembering the exact name of the group. I became a part of it for awhile. It was heart-wrenching. Because of the Internet, people from everywhere are meeting, and leaving their families and pregnant wives and jobs and moving in with their online dates who promise everything, expect everything and give nothing! So then what if that doesn’t work out? Do you go back online and begin again? You have to admit, this is very negative for society and I don’t like where this is going one bit.
On the other hand, I met intelligent, caring people and friends on the Internet, too. Far fewer than the online “hotties who love sex” or the “fat, bald, my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore and gave me permission…” types. I did meet a woman who actually let me pick the man she would marry. Lucky for me, it worked out and they are happily married. She from U.S. and he from another country. I also met two men whose wives were online cheating and then left each one and their babies, too. I met them both a couple of years ago, having a lot in common to discuss and giving a lot of support to each other. We are still friends today and talk via cell phone all the time as we live in different states.
And where does this leave me? Well, although I am an intelligent, Christian woman, I am alone and successful. I do love and trust God and vice versa. I do hope he never goes online, although I have met someone online who thought he was God… but that’s another story. Oh, and I still have my sense of humor.
February 9th, 2007 at 8:36 pm (#)
Pam,
Thank you for sharing your story about online dating. I hope and pray that you will meet an intelligent Christian man and can live a long life together. And I hope you will meet him at your local church (or at least local area) instead of online!
Josh
July 12th, 2007 at 9:05 pm (#)
I appreciate the article. One thing that I am most surprised about internet dating is that people are shopping and a grass is always greener. Before internet dating most people I know dated one person at a time - both long and short term but usually focusing on one person at a time. Internet dating encourages people to date lots of people and I am not sure that the benefits really are healthy because it encourages deceit and leading people on.
July 25th, 2007 at 12:43 am (#)
You write really well. I don’t agree with everything you wrote but you have a way of nearly convincing me.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:53 am (#)
Helllo fellow websiters. Well I disagree with this arguement. Yes some do in fact lie and cheat on their spouses but that’s not what all online dating is. You can truly find someone that is perfect for you. I know of actually two relationships where they met online and kept in touch for a year and then they finally decided to meet each other. And now both couples are married and one in fact is aspecting a child. People just need to be aware of the dangers and if you talk to someone longer than just a few months you will find out who they are. Don’t let your guards down right away (like many tend to do!). Try to FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE ACTUALLY TALKING TO! Duh! Get to know them. Just because they say a few sweet and heart warming things doesn’t mean that that is truly who they are. So people who online date need to actually get to know the person they are taking to before becoming anything serious. And I’m sorry for the marriages that do end because of “online” dating. Hey guess what? If your spouse does cheat on you with online dating… well you were never meant to be. And when you finally decide to meet the person don’t go alone! Take someone with you.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:49 am (#)
im doing a paper on the negative about online dating and found your article very helpul and so true thank you very much.
April 13th, 2008 at 3:21 pm (#)
I Really Enjoyed Reading Your Article. I’m Currently a Student in College and Found Your Article Gives Some Light To The “Darker Side” of Online Dating, which Will Help Greatly With My Argumentative Paper. I’m Glad Your Able to Take Off the Rose-Colored Glasses and See Online Dating For What it Is. Much Thanks!!
April 29th, 2008 at 9:13 pm (#)
You just helped me to finish my persuasion paper.
Thanks and I loved ur article(all my thoughts were there)
:)
July 21st, 2008 at 3:08 am (#)
I used to agree with you for I dated someone face to face all the time. Till 10years later, I change my career to I.T. so 17 hours a day online and never leave home make it hard to meet anyone.
I was bored and anygry at my parents who teased me as oldmaid so I went online (always online anyway) and did find someone and we talked 1 month, then meet many times and engaged already. YET, both flew over 100,000 miles (lots of milage) over 3 years but it works and I met so many people got married far across continent. I also know many friends who dated someone within their 100 miles radius and never get the right men.
I think distance is not the issue, if you limit your date to work location, street, or within supermarket radius near your home…maybe get no where.
each person is different.
September 14th, 2008 at 10:49 pm (#)
The problem with onlione dating is that many of the women you will meet online are addicted to the process of meeting people online. So once you get in a relationship with them they leave their profiles up and continue to flirt with other men from the dating sites. They figure it’s not cheating if they don’t actually meet them.
I will never again trust a woman I met online.